In a little while ...

After living in Japan for 2 yrs, I've developed another side of me which I never thought could exist, which is putting my emotions on hold, to freeze it so that normal life goes on. Quite useful because I can still be efficient, just that I know I'll have to deal with it nevertheless.

Now, this side of me is surfacing again. We're going to put Happy to sleep soon, most prob before Christmas. Happy is only 8 yrs old. It's easy to remember because I brought him home during my first year of teaching. He's a gift from my dad. I still remember holding him, at the time, only 3 months old in my arms. Holding him high up in my arms, I told him, "Since you're going to bring happiness into our house, I'll call you Happy." And Happy became his name.

White shaker dog's syndrome and liver problems overcame him in 2006. With liver problems, he must be on a low proteins diet. He almost died then. Ever since I came back this March, he's been on steroids. At first, it's one jab every few months. Slowly, it became once a month. Now, it's every 2 weeks. How do we know it's time for the jab? He'll be in extreme pain and his liver will expand out of his ribcage till everyone thinks he's overweight. He won't be able to walk or stand. He'll shiver and shake like mad just in that lying position on the floor. He'll scream and whine in pain. Amazingly, he'll be willing to crawl into the bag when we want to bring him to the vet. Maybe he knows the vet will end his pain.

I wonder how Happy will feel if he knows we're ending his life in a few days' time? I wonder if he'll blame us. In the past, he'll be able to walk and run the day after the steroids. Now, after a week, he still stumbles and falls and shakes. This shows that even steroids is not working. THere's no other medication suitable anymore.

I wonder which is better, to let him die in his sleep naturally and suddenly without us being prepared, or to let him die with an overdosed of sleeping drug which will end his life.

My mom, Alex and I have to come to terms with this decision individually. None of us could bear the thought of Happy being put to sleep. The vet told us that he's suffering in pain, why not?


Euthanasia. I'm always against this method. Now, with no choice, I have to make this decision against my will and wish, for the sake of Happy to be happy.

I wonder how long I'll take to get over his death. I took 2 yrs to get over my two hamsters' death.